If you’ve been googling how to stop toddler tantrums or how to deal with toddler meltdowns, you’re not alone!
Toddler tantrums are completely normal, but that doesn’t mean you have to just “wait them out.” As your child grows — especially into the 3s, 4s, and 5s — there’s so much you can do to reduce tantrums and teach your child emotional regulation skills that last.
These aren’t quick fixes, but they work — because they get to the root of what’s really going on.
Step 1: Check Your Expectations About Toddler Tantrums
Tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood, but that doesn’t mean constant meltdowns are something you just have to accept.
Emotional regulation isn’t something that “clicks” one day. It’s not like riding a bike — once you learn to ride, you can do it forever. Emotional regulation is something we keep working on our entire lives, even as adults.
So when your child is losing it over the wrong color cup, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means they still need your help learning how to handle big feelings — and you can absolutely teach them that.
Step 2: Notice What You’re Modeling
Kids learn how to manage their emotions by watching how we handle ours.
If they see yelling, slamming doors, grabbing when we’re angry, or spanking (which is hitting), that’s what they learn.
So before expecting your toddler to stay calm, check in with yourself:
What am I modeling when I’m frustrated?
If you’re not showing appropriate frustration or calm recovery, it’s unfair to expect your toddler to. This step alone can drastically reduce tantrums and teach self-regulation in the home.
Step 3: Regulate Yourself First
You can’t teach calm from chaos.
If you feel like you might yell or hit, that’s your cue to pause. Try squeezing your hands tightly and releasing them. If you’re the parent who wants to scream, try a silly scream or hum loudly instead. It’s also ok to walk away (yes, even if your toddler is upset by that).
When you show your child that you can handle anger without hurting anyone, you’re giving them a model for how to stop tantrums in healthy, safe ways.
Step 4: Don’t Teach New Skills During a Tantrum
When your child is screaming, their brain literally can’t process new information. Saying “Take a deep breath!” in the middle of a tantrum won’t work — they can’t access those new, unmastered skills when dysregulated.
Instead, teach these tools when your child is calm.
Some ways to practice emotional regulation outside of tantrums:
- Do kids’ yoga together (Cosmic Kids Yoga is great!)
- Practice breathing before bedtime or in the car
- Pretend with stuffed animals and role-play calming down
- Do a “calm practice” as a family during happy moments
When you practice these skills during calm times, your child’s brain will be ready to use them when things get tough.
Step 5: Try a Redo After the Tantrum
Once your child is calm, go back and practice the situation again.
“Hey, I know you were mad and hit your brother. What could you do instead? Let’s try that.”
Then give lots of positive attention when they use the new behavior:
“I love how you used your words instead of hitting.”
Redos help toddlers learn new emotional responses without shame or punishment.
Step 6: Give Them the Words
Telling your child to “Use your words!” mid-meltdown doesn’t work — they literally can’t find them when upset.
Instead, model the language for them:
“You wanted the toy your brother had. You can say, ‘Can I have a turn when you’re done?’”
You’re not just stopping tantrums; you’re teaching emotional communication skills that reduce future meltdowns.
Step 7: Look at the Why Behind the Tantrum
If your child is hitting to get a toy, and you tell them “go calm down” or “go hit a pillow,” that won’t work — it doesn’t meet the same need.
The why behind the tantrum matters. If the behavior is about wanting the toy, teach them to ask for a turn.
Replacement behaviors have to match the function of the behavior to work — otherwise, tantrums will keep happening.
To learn more about identifying the “why” behind behavior, you can check out this post on my Instagram.
The Bottom Line
This might sound like a lot — and it is. Teaching emotional regulation and learning how to stop toddler tantrums takes time and practice.
But it’s worth it.
This is exactly what I help parents with in my coaching program — finding what works for you, your child, and your family.
I’ve helped families go from daily, explosive tantrums to calm, connected days — because both parent and child learned emotional regulation skills that actually worked for them.
Now is the time to start. These are skills that will last your child a lifetime.