I was reading through the intake form for a new client last night and the mom wrote that her husband refers to modern parenting as “kumbaya parenting.” Just that phrase clued me into a pattern I see all the time: the family was caught in the classic trap of permissive vs gentle parenting, where one parent thinks they’re being gentle but is actually permissive.
That line made me laugh — but also told me so much before we even met.
So when we got on our call, I said, “Okay, I might be totally wrong here — but here’s what I’m guessing is going on…”
And as I explained what I so often see, she started nodding immediately.
“Yep,” she said, “you’ve completely nailed it.”
The Pattern I See Over and Over
After working with hundreds of families, there are some patterns I can spot a mile away.
In families where one parent (often dad) rolls his eyes at gentle parenting — calling it “kumbaya parenting” or “soft” — and the other parent (often mom) is passionate about it, here’s what’s actually happening:
The mom isn’t really gentle parenting. She’s permissive parenting.
And the dad? He’s often leaning authoritarian to “balance it out.”
So now there’s a tug of war:
- Mom feels like she has to be the soft one to make up for Dad being too hard.
- Dad feels like he has to be the hard one to make up for Mom being too soft.
- The kids are confused and dysregulated.
No one’s happy.
And then they come to me.
Permissive vs Gentle Parenting
Here’s the truth: you can only be permissive for so long before you burn out.
When you’re permissive, you’re giving extra chances, repeating yourself, and spending so much time validating emotions that you run out of energy for follow-through.
Eventually, you hit a wall.
You lose patience, you raise your voice, and now you’ve swung to the other extreme.
I call this pendulum parenting — bouncing between calm and connection one moment, and frustration and yelling the next.
It’s inconsistent, it doesn’t feel good for you, and it doesn’t work for your child.
What Actually Works
What I help families move toward is true authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian parenting).
That’s the sweet spot: high warmth, high expectations, consistency.
It’s not authoritarian (“because I said so”) and it’s not permissive (“I’ll ask you 10 times”).
It’s clear boundaries held with calm, confidence, and care.
To get there, we work on:
- Regulating your own emotions — not fake calm, but grounded calm.
- Teaching your child regulation skills so you’re not always the only one holding it together.
- Spotting behavior patterns so you can be proactive instead of reactive.
- Holding boundaries kindly and consistently — before frustration builds.
(You can read more about what loving, effective boundaries actually look like in this post about boundaries for toddlers.)
This is the process I guide parents through in coaching, and it’s the reason change happens so quickly.
If you’ve been nodding along reading this, thinking “yep, that’s us,” — I can help.
In just a few weeks, families I work with go from daily battles and exhaustion to feeling in control and actually enjoying their kids again.
One mom recently told me,
“I’m so obsessed with my kids right now. Especially the big one. I genuinely look forward to spending time together and I don’t feel like I need or want a break all the time. 💛”
That “big one” was the reason she reached out for coaching in the first place — and now, their relationship feels light, connected, and full of joy again.
I have one more spot available for coaching this year before I start my waitlist for 2026.
If you’re ready to stop pendulum parenting and start feeling confident again — let’s talk.