You’ve probably heard it a million times—“Give your toddler choices, and you’ll prevent tantrums.”
It sounds great in theory, right? When toddlers feel a sense of control, they’re less likely to fight you on everything. But here’s what I’m seeing as a behavior coach for toddlers: Parents are offering choices for everything, and it’s actually making life harder—not easier.
Let’s break down why too many choices can backfire, and what to do instead.
When Choices Go Too Far
The idea behind giving choices is solid—it helps your toddler feel empowered and builds independence. But when every part of their day becomes a choice, it creates confusion and anxiety.
❌ “Do you want to go to bed now or later?”
❌ “What do you want for dinner?”
❌ “Do you want to go to the store?”
Instead of reducing power struggles, these kinds of questions often lead to more tantrums and more resistance. Why? Because your toddler isn’t developmentally ready to handle that many decisions.
Why Too Many Choices Overwhelm Toddlers
Toddlers thrive on structure, predictability, and clear boundaries. When you hand over decision-making on things that should be non-negotiable, they feel unsafe—like the world is too big for them to manage.
And if your child is already anxious, sensitive, or neurodivergent, constant choices can heighten that anxiety. It’s like giving them more “what ifs” than their little brain can process.
Even worse, offering choices during a meltdown can make things spiral faster. When your toddler’s brain is in fight-or-flight mode, they can’t reason or make decisions—they need you to step in calmly and confidently.
What Toddlers Actually Need
Your toddler doesn’t need choices for everything. What they truly need is you—a calm, confident parent leading the way.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean you give up your leadership. It means you lead with connection and clarity. When you’re unsure, hesitant, or constantly negotiating, your toddler feels it—and reacts to it.
You can still be a gentle parent and set boundaries. In fact, if you’re not being the leader, you’re not gentle parenting—you’re permissive parenting.
Age-Appropriate Choices That Work
Here’s how to strike the balance between empowerment and overwhelm:
✅ Let your toddler choose between two shirts: “Do you want the blue one or the green one?”
✅ Offer a choice between two bedtime stories you’ve already picked.
✅ Let them pick between two snacks you’ve approved.
These small, structured choices help your child feel capable while keeping you in charge of the bigger picture. But remember, you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) offer a choice for everything your toddler does.
The Bottom Line
Choices are powerful—when they’re used intentionally. But when you give too many, you’re putting your toddler in charge of decisions they’re not ready for.
So next time you catch yourself offering a choice, pause and ask:
👉 “Is this a small, safe choice?”
👉 “Or is this a decision my toddler really needs me to make?”
You can be both gentle and confident. That’s what helps your toddler feel secure—and what reduces tantrums long-term.
If you’re struggling with daily meltdowns or constant power struggles, my 1:1 parent coaching program can help you create calm routines that actually work.
👉 Learn more about behavior coaching for parents of toddlers